My Porno Dream

I had a sex dream the other night. Allow me to set the scene for you...

The room was dark but I could see it was a room from the 1970s. The decade that defined gettin' it on. (Or "makin' it"—which ever tickles your testes.) The sex had passion, it had stamina, it had consent, but you know what the sex didn't have?

Me.

I’m going to take a second to let that sink in.

I wasn't even a participant. My dream was of two other people, a man and woman, having sex. And these were people I didn't even know. In my dream where I'm God of my own universe. Where I can make anything I want happen. I can fly. I can time travel. I can catch bullets with my ass cheeks. I can do anything except, apparently, have sex. Even the most pathetic guys I know dream they're having sex with their ex-wives but at least it's them in the dream doing the sex. I didn't even know this fucking guy in my dream.

Did you know that the average Joe/Joanne has between 3-8 dreams per night? Figuring we sleep every night and live 75 years, that’s around 136,875 dreams in out lifetime. BUT, we forget 95% of them (according to the National Sleep Foundation) which means we only remember around 6,844 dreams in our entire life. That's only 91 dreams a year, 7.5 dreams a month. Given that my life is easily over 3/4 over, I only have maybe 145 monthly dreams left that I'll remember and I just pissed a precious one of them away on some putz I don't even know so he could get laid. Who does that?

It get's worse

It wasn't even LIVE SEX, it was a goddamned porno movie. If you can't be the one having live sex then at least you want to be the one watching the live sex—and in person. I can watch porno films in real life. I don't even need a dream for something I already do 10-15 times a day when I'm awake.

It get's worse

Remember I said this was a 1970s room? Well, that includes all the furnishings as well. So this porno flick was playing on an old 1970s television, one about the size of a microwave oven. And since it was a 70s TV that means a soft, dull cathode ray tube image in 3x4 square ratio. And I couldn't even hear the moaning, groaning, and dirty talk because the the shitty little single speaker. Evidently, I don't even have the wherewithal to dream 8k widescreen surround sound. Think of the possibilities. I didn't

But none of that really mattered anyway since the movie was on an old ass, worn out VHS video tape, all fuzzy with a monodesaturated picture pockmarked with drop outs and glitches. It was like looking crossed eyes at a water color painting through cheese cloth while listening to a 1950s transistor radio with a one-ear phono plug.

And to top it all off, the TV was way across the other side of the room.. So I was looking at the small square screen, listening to the muffled sound from across the room so I couldn’t really even see or hear much anyway. Even the distance at which I watched this dumpster fire sex dream happened was a paean to my sexual unreservedness.

Isn't the very definition of a dream having guilt-free sex where the police aren't involved, no one gets hurt and no charges are filed? It is for me. I dunno. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing rearing its ugly shaming head. Maybe it's low self-esteem. Then again, maybe it's from watching too goddamn much porn. THAT'S something they don't warn you about. It's always concern over objectifying women. But no one ever warns you that a steady diet of never-ending pornography makes you dream about watching pornography while another guy getting to objectify women and you're relegated to observer status.

So the moral of this story, I guess, it porn is bad. No only does it degrade your sex life, worser, it degrades your sex dreams.